


Roommates

by SugarCrystal



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen, Humor, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 19:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16226006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal
Summary: Lister and Rimmer's arguments annoy Captain Hollister until he suggests a solution. Short thing I threw together in between working on longer fics.





	Roommates

"Todhunter wasn't interested, so I decided to bring it directly to you, Sir." Rimmer smiled his best smarmy smile whilst wielding his report file. He cleared his throat and read aloud, "123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of mutiny." 

Captain Hollister drummed his fingers on his desk, looking unimpressed. 

"I'll probably need to clarify the mutiny one, he..,"

"It's not all one-sided, you know," Lister chimed in. He dug a crumpled up chocolate wrapper out of his pocket and smoothed it open to read the scrawl on the other side. "3 counts of property damage, 7 counts of attempted property damage, 4 counts of actual bodily harm, 12 counts of threats to kill, and that's only since I started counting, which was three days ago. Those are more serious charges, wouldn't you say, captain?" he added pointedly.

Rimmer twitched furiously. "You can't do that! _I'm_ the senior technician!"

"I just did." Lister stuck his tongue out childishly.

"What 'actual bodily harm'?" Rimmer demanded, changing the argument.

"Tying my hair to the bunk ladder when I was asleep and then setting off the fire alarm so I nearly broke my neck...,"

"Seriously, Rimmer?" Hollister interrupted. "Aren't you a bit old for things like that?"

"Scalding me with hot chicken soup...,"

"Now hang on, that was a genuine accident," Rimmer protested.

"And you kicked me twice."

"You've kicked me too! In fact, I should add a few counts of physically assaulting a superior technician."

"Look, I'm not interested," Hollister said loudly, over their squabbling. "No one's interested, Rimmer, that's _why_ your complaints never get to me, officers just laugh at them and then file them away somewhere. No one's interested in your petty arguments."

"Petty arguments?!" Rimmer almost exploded. "I'm his superior and he constantly disrespects me!"

"Well, if he _acted_ like a superior technician instead of a school bully, I might respect him!"

"Okay!" Hollister sighed in exasperation. "How about this for a solution, one of you transfers to another bunkroom? You can just work together without sharing a room as well and then you won't be in each other's pockets all the time, you'll get a break from each other. How's that sound? We'll just find someone to swap with one of you."

Rimmer and Lister fell silent with awkward expressions.

"Well..., yeah, but..., no one else would _want_ to share with him," Lister protested lamely.

"No one else would want to share with him either," Rimmer added quickly. "Except another total slob. Imagine the state of the bunkroom! No, it's best if he stays with me, to keep him in line."

"You were just saying you _can't_ keep him in line," Hollister pointed out.

"Well, let's not be too hasty...,"

"That's it!" Hollister lost his temper. "Get out of my office, both of you! And don't waste my time like this again!" He slammed the door behind them and poured himself a strong coffee.

Lister and Rimmer glanced at each other sheepishly before making their way back to the bunkroom in an unspoken mutually agreed silence.


End file.
